self-reflection

A Vacancy of Light

Angel BoucherLeave a comment

Some days the darkness settles in,
a quiet, slow, insidious sin.
It does not rage or strike or shout,
it simply dims the whole world out.

It gathers somewhere in my chest,
a vacant ache that will not rest.
A hollow carved beneath my skin,
an empty room I carry in.

Not grief alone, nor simple pain,
but something spectral in my brain.
A desolation without name,
a silent absence without flame.

I search for joy and find a trace,
a fading echo, empty space.
The things that once could make me glow
feel distant now, like fallen snow.

And sleep becomes a soft retreat,
a place where thought and silence meet.
No memories there to reappear,
no sudden ghosts to draw me near.

But then a sound, a road, a phrase
can resurrect forgotten days.
A minor thing, a fleeting spark,
and suddenly I know the dark.

It opens like a hidden door
to rooms I thought I knew no more.
The past returns without a sound
and pulls me slowly underground.

That is the cruelest irony:
to think at last that I am free,
then feel one fragment, small and slight,
eclipse an entire field of light.

I am exhausted by the weight
of absences that reverberate.
By shadows that refuse to fade,
by every phantom memory made.

Yet somewhere past this endless gray,
I know there must remain a day.
Some mornings offer only haze,
some burn too bright against my gaze.

Still I keep searching through the night,
still turning eastward toward the light.
Because beneath this vacant part,
something tenacious guards my heart.

A pulse.
A spark.
A quiet flame
that darkness has not learned to claim.

And even hollow, even scarred,
I keep believing light is hard
but not impossible to find.

So I keep turning
toward the shine.

Decisions That Changed My Life—and Made Me Who I Am

Angel BoucherLeave a comment

The bad relationships. The wrong choices. The money we wish we hadn’t spent—the things we should have done differently.

But how often do we actually give ourselves credit for the decisions we got right?

Sometimes those decisions are huge, life-altering choices. Sometimes they’re financial decisions that make us hesitate because of the price tag. Sometimes they’re things we don’t fully appreciate until years later.

Lately, I’ve been trying to reflect more on the positives in my life instead of constantly picking apart everything I’ve done wrong.

So, these are some of the best decisions I’ve made so far.

1. Buying Whisker Litter-Robots

Hear me out.

I know a litter box probably isn’t what people expect to see on a list of “life-changing decisions,” but my Litter-Robots have genuinely made my life easier.

They were expensive. There is absolutely some sticker shock involved, and they still require routine cleaning and maintenance. They’re not some magical machine you buy and never touch again.

But for me, they have been worth every penny.

I tend to overwork myself. There are days when I come home completely exhausted, and there are also times when my depression gets the best of me. When that happens, even something as simple as scooping litter boxes every day can suddenly feel ridiculously overwhelming.

The Litter-Robot takes that pressure away.

I don’t have to worry about dragging myself out of bed late at night because I forgot to scoop. I don’t have to feel guilty if I’m sick and skip a day. I don’t have to worry as much if I’m struggling mentally and basic chores start piling up.

It also keeps the litter much fresher because waste is removed shortly after the cats use it instead of sitting there until I get around to scooping. That means the litter doesn’t get that gross, clay-like consistency nearly as quickly.

Even the cleanup isn’t terrible. Regular maintenance is quick, and honestly, even deep cleaning doesn’t take as long as I expected.

They’re also amazing when I travel because I don’t have to worry nearly as much about litter boxes getting disgusting while I’m gone.

And considering I have six cats and two Litter-Robots, that says a lot.

Was it an expensive investment? Absolutely.

Would I make the same decision again?

Without hesitation.

2. Getting a Hysterectomy

This one was much bigger.

I dealt with painful periods for as long as I can remember. We’re not talking about normal cramps or feeling uncomfortable for a few days. The pain was severe enough that I ended up in the emergency room almost monthly at different points in my life.

Eventually, as a young adult, I was diagnosed with endometriosis and PCOS.

I tried everything.

Different kinds of birth control. Different schedules. Skipping the placebo week entirely so I wouldn’t have a cycle. Medications. An ablation.

Nothing truly fixed the problem.

Birth control came with its own problems. I broke out. I was emotional. I still hurt. I was basically trading one miserable experience for another, hoping something would eventually work.

For a long time, I also wanted children.

At one point, I actively tried to have them. I went to a fertility doctor, tried Clomid, and went through that entire emotional process.

Looking back now, I’m actually thankful it didn’t work out.

Life changed. I changed.

Eventually, the pain returned with a vengeance. Here I was, well into adulthood, still finding myself in emergency rooms because of the same problem I had been fighting for years.

Finally, I begged for a hysterectomy.

And getting one became its own battle.

I went back and forth with doctors—particularly male doctors—about whether I should be allowed to make that decision about my own body. Ironically, when I finally saw my female OB-GYN, her response was basically an immediate yes.

Three years later, I am still incredibly grateful that I fought for it.

Do I know that I’ll never have biological children of my own?

Yes.

And I’m okay with that.

I’m a teacher. I get the privilege of impacting kids every single day without having to be their parent. I also have amazing nieces and nephews who bring me more joy than I could ever explain.

And if someday I decide that I genuinely want to become a parent, adoption will always be something I can consider.

Right now, though?

I’ve realized that I’m a little too selfish for children—and I don’t mean that as an insult to myself.

I like my time.

I like my money.

I like my freedom.

I like being able to build my life around what matters to me.

Having children requires sacrificing a tremendous amount of all three, and I have enough self-awareness now to admit that isn’t the life I want right now.

Choosing my health and my quality of life was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

3. Moving Away From Killeen, Texas

I was born and raised in Central Texas.

For most of my life, that was home.

It was familiar. My family was there. My history was there. Nearly everything I knew was connected to that place in some way.

But familiarity isn’t always the same thing as happiness.

When you grow up in a place where everyone knows everyone, people develop an idea of who you are. They remember who you were when you were younger. They know your family. They know your mistakes. They have expectations for you.

Sometimes it starts to feel like you’re living inside a version of yourself that everyone else created.

Killeen also very much felt like a good-ole-boys town to me. Connections mattered. Who you knew mattered. Money and power mattered.

Opportunities felt limited.

The pay was terrible.

Growth felt even harder.

Still, I stayed.

A huge reason was my mom.

After losing my dad, I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t leave her side. As much as I sometimes wanted to leave Texas, leaving her wasn’t something I was willing to do.

Then I lost her too.

And suddenly, one of the biggest things keeping me there was gone.

Eventually, I decided to move to Kentucky, near Louisville.

It changed my life.

For the first time, I got to exist somewhere without everyone already having an opinion about who I was supposed to be.

I could just…be me.

I experienced new things. I found new opportunities. I grew professionally. I became more independent. I built a completely different life.

And I’m happier here.

That doesn’t mean there weren’t sacrifices.

I miss my niece and nephew like crazy. Some days, being hundreds of miles away from the people I love hurts.

But I also love the life I’ve created here.

I own a home—something I genuinely don’t know that I ever would have been able to accomplish if I had stayed where I was.

I built a career.

I built friendships.

I created a life that belongs to me instead of one shaped by everyone’s memory of who I used to be.

Moving was terrifying.

It was also one of the best things I ever did.

4. Finally Trying Pair Eyewear

I absolutely love Pair Eyewear.

I first saw them go viral on TikTok, and I had wanted to try them for a long time before I finally took the plunge.

And I’m so glad I did.

Honestly, it’s one of the coolest things I’ve found for combining fashion with something I actually need every day.

The base frames come in different styles and colors, so you can pick something that already fits your personality. Personally, I’m a basic black-frame girly. Give me a simple black pair of glasses, and I’m perfectly happy.

But that’s also what I love about Pair.

I can wear the base frame by itself when I want something simple, or I can completely change the look with a top frame when I’m in the mood for something more fun.

And the sunglasses feature?

One of my favorite parts.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to despise wearing contacts for about a million different reasons. I don’t want to deal with dry eyes. I don’t want to put them in and take them out. Half the time, I don’t want the hassle.

Pair lets me keep wearing my glasses without feeling stuck with the same look every day.

The top frames make it ridiculously easy to switch things up.

I can match a holiday.

I can wear something fun for back-to-school season.

I can change colors depending on my outfit or mood.

I can throw on a sunglass top when I’m outside.

And I don’t have to buy an entirely new pair of prescription glasses every time I want something different.

For someone who needs glasses anyway, that feels like such a fun little win.

It’s practical, but it also lets me play around with style in a way I never really did with glasses before.

And honestly, that’s part of why I love it so much.

Glasses used to feel like something I had to wear.

Now they feel more like an accessory I get to wear.

And I’m Still Adding to the List

This isn’t meant to be a finished list.

I’ll probably keep adding to it as I think of things, make new decisions, experience more of life, and realize that something I once questioned ended up changing my life for the better.

I need that reminder sometimes.

It’s incredibly easy for me to replay the mistakes.

The people I shouldn’t have trusted.

The chances I shouldn’t have taken.

The things I wish I could redo.

But I also got some things right.

Decisions that made my life easier.

Decisions that protected my health.

Decisions that forced me to grow.

Decisions that helped create the person and the life I have now.

And maybe reflecting on those decisions matters just as much as learning from the bad ones.

For now, I’m trying to give myself a little more credit for the life I’ve built.

The Gift of Failure – Ways to Encourage Failure

Angel BoucherLeave a comment

Most of us grow up not knowing what failure is. When we “fail,” we just keep going or keep trying. We don’t get berated for falling when we try to walk. We don’t get criticized when playing t-ball and miss the hit. Instead, we are taught to keep trying, keep working, and grow from our experience. At times, encouragement is also thrown our way to encourage us to do better.

Somehow, that changes, though, as we age. Somehow, encouragement turns into negative, non-productive criticism. Keep trying turns into giving up. Self-esteem gets tarnished and hurt. Perfection is expected, even though perfection doesn’t truly exist. A minimum standard becomes a measurement – whether it be weight, grades, time management, etc.

Somewhere along the way, we lose sight of what it truly means to fail and of the importance of failing.

Childhood Failures Encouraged

During childhood, it is considered a gift to fail. Even though it’s not necessarily called a gift, the idea of it being a gift is there. 

When babies first start speaking, they don’t say “mama” or “dada” on their first try. Instead, parents, friends, and other family members giggle, smile, and keep repeating the words in the hope of helping the baby say “mama” or “dada.” These same people don’t look at the baby with disgust and say, “You can do better. I’m disappointed in you.” 

Kids are notorious for lying – intentionally or not. Sometimes it’s a little white lie, while other times it’s quite large. As parents, we have a discussion with the child to encourage telling the truth and to explain why lying is wrong. After the discussion, there is hope for a change in behavior regarding lying. 

Children are encouraged to play, make friends, learn new games, and socialize. The more these things occur, the more growth happens. When children don’t play, don’t make friends, and don’t socialize, adults encourage it and sometimes seek assistance to make those areas grow. A concern is that those who do not play, make friends, learn new games, or socialize are at risk. 

So why do these expectations turn into negatives?

Adult Expectations

Somewhere around the end of elementary school and the beginning of middle school/junior high, society starts to place higher expectations on children. They must meet certain grades, respect others (especially adults), follow rules, stay quiet when spoken to, work with others, etc. 

It changes from encouragement to expectation. If those expectations are not met, we start discussions with children and let them know it’s no longer encouraged but is expected. When these expectations aren’t met, someone becomes disappointed. In turn, it hurts their self-esteem, leading to more issues with the very struggles they struggled with in the first place. 

Continue that through high school, where a required ACT/SAT score is needed to get into college, and many credits are required for graduation, placing pressure on an individual to achieve a specific score. The higher your score, the more likely you’ll get into a college of your choice – whether it be grades of ACT/SAT. Now, that encouragement becomes more pressure-based than genuine effort. College just intensifies this. 

Students begin to work jobs. There are expectations in jobs. In the beginning, new employees are often “guided” and given constructive criticism about their new job. However, that constructive criticism becomes toxic. It starts off slow with general criticism. Often, it turns into peers talking about one another, which in turn breaks the employee’s spirit. Even if this doesn’t occur in front of the person, the word eventually gets back around.

In all of these struggles, we forget the gift of failure.

Joys in Failure

What makes failure such a great concept? Why is failure so important? How do we encourage failure in a positive way?

Failure allows people to grow as individuals. It allows them to reflect on what happened, what went wrong, and how to prepare for the future again. Failure creates an atmosphere for continuous growth. Continuous growth is important for a person to ensure they become better. We can become better as a person, as an employee, as a friend, as a mother, as a father, as a sister, as a brother, etc. If we stay stagnant in who we are, we risk losing important people and things around us. 

Along with growth, failure allows us to handle criticism better – either from ourselves or others. Failure tells us that sometimes things happen, sometimes we mess up, and sometimes we need help, and that’s okay! Having that guidance allows us not to become broken in our self-esteem, but instead to say, “I overcame this,” no matter how big or how small. It breeds self-acceptance of what we can handle and what we can learn. A person who thinks they are always right has no room for growth and will never see the value in failure. 

Failure also allows us to find ways to never give up. When we fail once, we tend to try again. Failing multiple times, especially in adulthood, we tend to get discouraged. However, if we view failure as a lesson rather than an action, we can see where growth can occur.

Applying for a job but not getting it because of a bad interview is a learning experience. We can reflect on why it was bad. Was it the outfit? The noise? The choking during answers? We take time to reflect on the reasons to make changes for the future.

Not making the sports team can also reflect on a lesson. Did we not make the team because of our skills? Teamwork mentality? Conflict in scheduling? Take those lessons and make the necessary changes.

We don’t give up. We learn. We grow.

Change the Mentality of Failure

Failure is so important to the growth of people and society. Without failure, we won’t change, which causes many problems within ourselves and in society. Failure allows us to see the possibilities in what can be. Failure is incredibly important. 

As a society, we need to remember what it was like growing up and how failure was encouraged. We should take those tools we experienced as children and promote them into adulthood. It is okay to fail if we approach it in a way that encourages change. Instead of criticising someone negatively, we need to provide ways to encourage growth that can come from failure. 

Ways to encourage failure: 

  1. Constructive Criticism: Constructive criticism helps someone see where they went wrong and how to fix it without shattering their self-esteem.
  2. Explanation: Explanations help someone understand why, how, what, etc. This will give them clarity on why someone wasn’t happy about a specific issue.
  3. Radical Acceptance: Radical acceptance is just accepting something as it is. “It is what it is…” is the best way to describe radical acceptance. It cannot be changed. What is done is done, what is in the past is in the past. However, I would highly encourage pairing this with constructive criticism or explanation.
  4. Mentoring: Becoming a mentor is often underestimated, especially when it comes to failure. Mentoring should be encouraged to help others learn from someone who excels in the area where they are struggling. It could be one person assigned as a whole mentor or multiple people assigned for a variety of topics in need. Mentors are incredibly important to growth. 

Failure will always be a part of our lives. No one is perfect. Even those who think they are have room to grow. Failure is a part of change and growth. Failure can be overeating, forgetting a blinker at a turn, or not making the score you expected. All of these examples have room for growth if approached the right way.