A memory came to me.
Unwelcome.
Intrusive.
Tormenting.
Spectral.
Haunting me.
The smell.
The touch.
The smile.
The laughs.
Your voice.
The ghost of every memory
Of us…
Of you…
drowning me.
It was only a second,
But grief doesn’t need more than that.
My chest constricted
Before my mind could process.
My stomach coiled.
Tears arrived
Pounding on the doors
before I could stop them.
My mind
Fractured.
Sundered.
Decimated.
Marred.
I miss who I was
when you were there.
Jubilant.
Euphoric.
Peaceful.
Authentic.
Embraced.
Nutured.
Ignited.
Me.
I found myself again
Because of you.
And lost it just as quickly.
Broken.
Lost.
Alone.
Closed off.
It’s enigmatic how someone
can become a vestige,
Yet still have the command and dominance
to dissolve you into nothing in seconds.
I guess that’s what happens
When you love someone enough
to make a sanctuary for them
inside your heart
For refuge
And a haven.
Even after they’ve vanished,
some part of you
still yearns
for them to come back.
I haven’t discarded you.
And maybe that’s the problem.
I hoped distance and time would
Smooth the sharp edges.
Sunrises would wash the darkness
The drought would dry out the floods.
Some people never become ordinary memories.
I never had someone that
I treasured so much
Celebrated with pride
Admired for strength
Adored in silence
Was moved by like faults on earth
And craved like a bad habit
They remain living echoes,
Chasing the whispers of the wind
waiting in forgotten corners,
Like shadows through the day
capable of collapsing years into a single heartbeat
With one reminder
I miss who I was when you were there.
There are versions of myself that only existed beside you:
Laughs that belonged in history books
Security stronger than a diamond
Trust deeper than unexplored oceans
Honesty as stripped as winter trees
Conversations of life so deep
Like the first deep breath of summer
You called to the parts of me that
We’re still asleep
I didn’t know existed
I forgot about
And it, and all dreams, perished
When you slipped away
Sometimes I wonder
If you know how often you still
haunt me
without meaning to.
How a random thought can
unravel an entire afternoon.
Make me
binge
And purge.
Break
And rebuild
Scream
And cry
Smile
And crumble.
Healing doesn’t exist for
This amputation
Today, it found me.
A little more cut off.
Another piece of me is gone.
I was back there
where your voice still echoed,
where your presence felt permanent
I didn’t yet know how deeply I would one day miss you
As I watch the world spin
While I stand still in
One spot
Then the memory drifted beyond reach.
The pillow drank
Every tear.
The silence returned.
But the ache lingered.
Love doesn’t always leave
when the person does.
It was still incipient,
Yet it was the most paramount
most poignant
and most transparent
Unvarnished
Unguarded
love I’d ever known.
Maybe my heart loved
With more conviction than yours did.
Maybe I was delusional.
Perhaps your heart perceived
It’s different from mine.
And remembered a varied story
Maybe it was on a diverged path.
But it changed me all the same.
Love outlives goodbye.