Buzzzz!
The alarm screams my name,
And I am already behind.
Behind on sleep.
Behind on bills.
Behind on bills.
Behind on sleep.
Behind on laundry.
Behind on emails.
Behind on phone calls.
Behind on housework.
Behind on goals.
Mostly, I’m
Behind on joy.
Behind on peace.
Behind on hope.
Behind in every aspect of my life
that I hoped to have by now
or that I hoped to have progress towards.
Necessities feel like a luxury.
I should be grateful for it,
but it’s hard to appreciate it
when you struggle every day.
Any unexpected expense is enough to break you.
My goals aren’t unrealistic.
I don’t want to be rich.
I don’t want to be famous.
I don’t want an expensive car or house.
I just want to survive
With an occasional mental break.
Apply. Submit. Wait.
Nothing.
Apply. Submit. Wait.
Nothing.
Apply. Submit. Wait.
Nothing.
I’m trying.
I don’t know what to do.
Apply. Submit. Wait.
Nothing.
Apply. Submit. Wait.
Nothing.
Apply. Submit. Wait.
Nothing.
The silence that follows
is louder than any rejection.
Time moves too fast and not at all.
There are never enough hours
to handle everything being thrown at me.
It never ends.
My body hurts:
shoulders from stress,
neck from tension,
headache tears,
fingers from typing applications.
I don’t have the energy to explain anymore.
I wake up exhausted.
I go to bed exhausted.
And yet, I never rest.
They ask.
“How are you?”
I smile.
“I’m good.”
I turn away
and my smile
DROPS
Because nobody wants the real answer.
The real answer is that I am drowning slowly,
not the kind that is loud and noticeable.
The kind that is silent and surprising.
It looks like:
Unanswered emailed
Unanswered texts
Unanswered calls
Tossing and turning in bed
Deciding what to pay and when
Crying from frustration and stress
Borrowing from illogical sources
Begging for a chance.
Begging for a change.
Nothing stops.
Nothing changes.
Despite the efforts.
I’m the sun,
My problems are orbiting me
waiting for me to burn out.
Round-and-round.
Day-after-day.
Year-after-year.
Eventually,
Even stars die out.